


thats it, thats all

by ohwhatanight



Category: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Genre: Borderline Personality Disorder, Depression, Eating Disorders, Lowercase, Season 12 spoilers, Texting, Therapy, dennis-centric
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-20
Updated: 2017-03-20
Packaged: 2018-10-08 05:31:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,642
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10379586
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ohwhatanight/pseuds/ohwhatanight
Summary: dennis is trying, he is. for brian jr. everythings for brian jr. the sleeping and bleakness and the days of therapy and the medication were for brian jr. not dennis, not at all.right?





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [provocation](https://archiveofourown.org/users/provocation/gifts).



> warnings: this fic contains calorie counting and dissociation and lots of things that comes along with mental illness. pls be careful if ur reading this !!

about a month into dennis’ stay in north dakota, a month into spending days with brian jr. and about a month trying to exist in the same place as someone else that wasnt--

about a month in is when he got the first text.

 **mac:** hey man u doing ok?

dennis didnt answer, but he looked at it sometimes.

 

-

 

dennis and mandy fought.

dennis didnt think she had it in her, but she did. he knew mandy was frustrated, knew that him not looking for a job and staying home and laying around all day was frustrating. he knew but he kept doing it.

he didnt want to be away from brian jr., and so what if he stayed in bed while the kid was at preschool? a guy can nap if he fucking wants. nothing wrong about that.

mandy had looked up online walk in counsellors. she didnt want to be the only one in north dakota to handle him. she said it would be good for brian jr. if he talked out his problems to someone.

dennis figured his meds were enough. whats the point of talking shit out to strangers who are dumb as hell and probably didnt even go to a good school. he _is_ in north dakota for fucks sake.

 

but he went for brian jr.

 

-

 

about a week and a half after macs first text he got another. 

 **mac:** charlie did this cool shit today involving bungee cords paint cans and a piano

 **mac:** man i wish u couldve seen it

dennis didnt reply.

 

-

 

“i feel empty.”

his counsellor looked at him, his eyebrows pinched together in concern. “what do you mean, empty?” 

dennis looked out the window. he always looked out the window if they werent on a walk or driving. something about looking and being outside made talking about the deep down shit feel less vulnerable.

“i love brian jr., but everything feels muted. like when youre fucking around on your tv and you change the saturation to super low to see how it looks. that type of shit.”

the therapist was silent, his thick glasses reflecting the window light. dennis took this as a moment to continue.

“sometimes i miss them. i miss how much they needed me. how i was the leader of the gang and how they all were crying when i left.”

dennis wonders sometimes if lies are better than reality.

its got him this so far, so he wasnt stopping now.

 

-

 

mandy made mac and cheese the same night mac texted.

 **mac:** i fukgin ha t e YOU DENnis i HaET YOU FUKC YO U

dennis screenshot the text.

 

-

 

he ran out of meds but didnt say anything. he didnt need them that much, right? he functioned amazingly way before he got them, he can go for a bit without them. itll be easy.

itll be _easy_.

 

-

 

dennis got mad at brian jr crying in the middle of the night and yelled.

it made brian jr. cry more and dennis felt both angry and fucked up that he could make someone that helpless feel so small.

he left the house and didnt come back for a day.

mandy slammed the door in his face as soon as he came back before letting him in.

dennis thinks he only got let back in because he had nowhere else to go.

dennis stared at brian jr for a while before going back to the guest room he was staying in to sit in the dark.

he pulled up his phone and called dee.

 

she didnt answer.

 

-

 

mac hadnt texted since his last one, and dennis didnt know if he was glad that that fucker was angry or upset, or rather upset himself that mac hadnt come crawling back to apologize.

when did he take dennis’ backbone?

was it before or after he said goodbye?

 

-

 

dennis met with the counsellor again. his thick framed glasses were missing today. he probably got contacts.

“hey dennis, i like your sweater.”

dennis looked down, he didnt even realize he put on a sweater that morning. he didnt remember getting dressed at all.

“thanks.”

 

-

 

brian jr.’s first real words were goodbye.

dennis laughed.

like father like son.

 

-

 

mandy had been pushing him to get a job, raising her eyebrows at him like he wasnt a god damn _gift_ just being in her presence.

he didnt need a job. he didnt need anything besides brian jr.

he didnt.

 

-

 

mac called at three a.m.

dennis let his phone vibrate on his bed, his stupid face shining up at him.

he remembers mac stealing his phone to take that selfie and setting it as his picture. he remembers mac saying he can delete it if he wants.

he remembers how he didnt delete it.

he doesnt answer the phone.

 

-

 

he got a job at an electronics store. he doesnt know why he applied, he doesnt know shit about electronics besides porn sites.

he tried selling a shitty curved tv to some old lady wearing a coat that looked familiar.

he couldnt breathe the whole time.

he didnt go back to the store.

 

-

 

“dennis. dennis, wake up.”

dennis blearily opened his eyes, pulling the quilt from his head, emerging like a butterfly.

mandy was standing in his room, holding his empty pill jar and empty blister packs.

 _fuck_.

“i thought you were taking these?”

“what the fuck does it matter if i take them or not? im absolutely wonderful with or without them.”

she stared at him, before walking across the room and pulling the drapes open. it was dark out.

dennis didnt know what time it was.

“you slept all day, dennis. you missed brian jr.’s preschool performance.”

 _fuck_.

“what time is it?”

mandy sighed. “doesnt matter. tomorrow were gonna go get these refilled, okay?

her voice was soft. like she didnt want to yell.

dennis didnt say anything, but just stared at her until she left the room.

mac wouldnt have cared.

 

-

 

mac had texted while he was asleep, and he checked it as he slowly got ready to go to the pharmacy.

 **mac:** hope ur taking ur meds asshole

dennis shook his head.

the universe is fucked up.

 

-

 

dennis hadnt had sex in almost two months. hes been in this shithole town for two months and hadnt given a shit to look. hadnt even opened tinder.

his counsellor said it may be because hes depressed.

which didnt make sense to dennis because hes never sad. when he cries during sex its just an act for the broad hes fucking so he looks sensitive. it doesnt _mean_ anything.

dennis doesnt know if its good that he doesnt miss sex.

dennis doesnt know why his counsellor said he might feel that way because he used sex as both self harm and self validation.

which was fucking bullshit.

 

-

 

he breaks and calls dee on another bad day.

“what the fuck do you want, dickhead?”

dennis rubs his eyes at the sound of her voice. good to know that dee is still a bitch.

“do you still have any of my shit at your place? because itd be great if you could sen-”

“no. no. no. fuck you you shithead. you dont up and leave us and expect me to keep your shit. it doesnt fucking work that way, dennis.”

dennis is appalled.

“besides, i set it all on fire anyways.”

“what the fuck did you just say, dee?”

“you heard me.”

“fuck you you fucking bitch. what the fuck is wrong with you?”

“what the fuck is wrong with you dennis? dont call me ever again.”

she hung up.

she hung up on him.

on dennis.

dennis doesnt remember much of that night but he remembers staring into a grimy bathroom mirror smelling like beer and vodka and blood. his knuckles hurt and he has cuts on his face.

 

-

 

“seems like you got up to things since the last time we saw each other, huh?”

dennis thinks he got lasik.

“yeah.”

“wanna tell me why you have toy story stickers on your face?”

“cant remember.”

the weather was overcast. he thinks its going to rain. he wonders if his makeup is truly waterproof or not.

“dennis.”

maybe if it isnt waterproof he could check mandys collection and take hers. thats a good idea. he’ll do that when he gets back to her house.

“dennis. look at me.”

dennis turns his head. he wonders if the counsellor knows the hickey on his neck is showing.

“what?”

“i cant help you if you dont tell me anything.”

dennis stares at him. stares at the hickey. he doesnt know how much time passes but he knows this man is incredibly patient.

“once my friend mac got fat and i hated him for it.”

“why?”

dennis looked back out the window. “because he was able to eat without thinking about what it was doing to him. about the calories, about how he didnt even count the bites of his food. it wasnt normal.”

his counsellor was silent.

“he ate so much food, he ate food that wasnt safe. he even ate an apple with its skin once. it was a candy apple.”

“dennis, do you think you were mad at mac because of something about yourself?”

“no. of course not.”

“it sounds to me like it is.”

“what the fuck do you know?”

 

-

 

his counsellor set him up with a nutritionist, which was bullshit because dennis doesnt have an eating disorder. hes perfect and a fucking god and gods _dont_ have eating disorders.

they just dont need to eat, thats all.

mandy made sure to get him to his first few appointments. brian jr. was always in his carseat, smiling at him, eating a bearpaw.

60 calories.

 

-

 

sometimes he heard mandy talk to her friends about how she didnt expect to be a mother to two people so early in life.

dennis didnt care if she felt bad or not. this was all for brian jr.’s benefit.

dennis was a good role model.

he was there.

 ~~sometimes~~.

 

-

 

mac texted him as dennis was staring at the ceiling, trying to think of nothing so he could sleep. his stomach rumbled.

 **mac:** i got a boyfriend.

dennis almost deleted mac from his contacts.

 

-

 

“i like being in control. i like it. everything answers to me, and as it should.”

he looked at the fries in front of him as he sat on a park bench.

“this is me being in control.”

he ate the fries.

340 calories with extra salt.

they stayed down.

 

-

 

spring had arrived and mandy got them all to go on walks more often. they went all around just to ‘get air.’

mandy was kind.

dennis didnt deserve kindness.

 

-

 

dennis called dee. she answered.

“what.” she yawned. less contempt than last time.

“did you set fire to anything else i own?”

silence. he waited. his counsellor wouldve been proud.

“technically……”

“what did you set on fire.”

“starts with r and ends with ange rover.”

dennis screamed into the phone, and threw it across the room.

 

-

 

mandy suggested him getting his own place after the phone incident.

dennis agreed, as long as he could still see brian jr.

he got a studio apartment, and got a futon off craigslist. it smelled off, but it was twenty bucks. mandy let him keep the quilt.

the sounds of night are deafeningly quiet.

he thinks of the last time that happened.

the water filter.

he grabs his phone, takes a small video. only seven seconds.

its of the crickets outside, the sound of a coyote or wolf howling, and his smoke ember.

he sends it to mac before turning his phone off and finishing his smoke and going to bed.

 

-

 

he wakes up to macs text.

 **mac:** i thought u quit smoking

dennis pauses, his thumbs hovering over the keyboard.

 **dennis:** stress

mac replies right away.

 **mac:** holy shit

 **mac:** ur actually talking to me????

dennis bites his thumb nail, before pulling it away. bad habit.

 **dennis:** yes, shithead.

 **mac:** wow

 **mac:** hey bro

 **dennis:** hey

 

-

 

“i talked to mac.”

“really? thats good.”

“is it?”

“sometimes talking to others is a good way to figure out how you feel.”

“bullshit.”

“youre here, arent you?”

dennis glared at him. fucking dick.

 

-

 

it had been three more months. the days washed together in greyness with interludes of small burst of happiness when with brian jr.

sometimes mac texted. dee sent him pictures of her flipping him off and then sometimes late at night told him she missed him, before claiming she was drunk.

dennis felt grey.

are they really mood regulators if they dont make you able to feel much of anything at all?

 

-

 

mandy had asked him to come over while brian jr. was at preschool. dennis did go over, but he was twenty minutes late just because he could be.

“dennis, i need to talk to you.”

“thats why im here, isnt it?”

“i think… i think you should go back home.”

dennis furrowed his eyebrows. “i just got here?”

“no, back to philly. your real home, jeez.”

dennis glared at her. “what the fuck? what about my right to be with bri-”

“no. stop that. you pin everything about you staying here on him, and hes just a kid, dennis. hes not going to fix you. kids arent tools for you to become a better person, and neither am i.”

dennis crosses his arms. “you cant keep him away from me, you bitch.”

mandy rubs her temples. “its not about that. its about you. youre not healthy, and youre not good here. anybody could see that. you havent event talked to your life partn-”

“stop.” dennis didnt want this conversation. not now.

mandy sighed. “dennis, youre like… youre like constant movement and a glacier at the same time. youre too many things and this place hasnt been good for you. you have eyebags the size of texas, for petes sake. youre floundering here while me and brian jr. are stable. were grounded.”

“im grounded.” dennis replied, taken aback.

“sure. but not here. your roots are back in philly, in that bar. in that apartment. you only have a futon in your place here, dennis. dont you know how bad your state of living is?”

dennis rubbed his hands on his face. what the fuck was this bitch saying?

“i can sort out your apartment. everything, and me and brian jr. can visit during the summer. you should be happy, you should let brian be happy, and you cant do that here.” mandy continued, but didnt approach him.

“im happy!!! im over the moon!! im so happy you could take my blood and use it as a happiness serum to cure the worlds depression!!”

mandy stared at him, cocking an eyebrow.

dennis took a deep breath, and held it in. he didnt want to break shit.

“why should i go?”

“i already told you,” mandy stared at him. “listen to what im saying for once, jeez.”

dennis rubbed his eye all, pushing it in slightly. he hated her. he hated her soft voice and how she was trying to help by insulting him. he hated how she cared in some small way to tell him to go back to where he was happy.

“you better not be lying about bringing him to visit.”

mandy smiled softly. “im not.”

 

-

 

dennis texted mac.

 

 **dennis:** u still got room in my apartment?

 **mac:** of course

 **dennis:** u sure ur boyfriend wont mind?

 **mac:** nah

 **mac:** we broke up

 **dennis:** thats shitty man

 **mac:** its cool bro

 **mac:** glad ur coming home

 

dennis didnt know if he felt happy or relieved or something else he couldnt describe yet but he knew it was big.

  
it was as large as the sun and he was okay with it.

**Author's Note:**

> fjskgkd thanks for reading this if u did !!! i wrote this on my phone instead of sleeping bc it just couldnt leave my head and i needed it out. i chose to use lowercase and not a lot of punctuation for the feel of it, and i hope it didnt bother u !!! thx to be beta mel, aka the best beta Ever. you can follow me on tumblr @ gaygobbluth if u want :B


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